Postpartum Psychosis

The first time I ever read about postpartum psychosis was sometime during the six months after Connor's first birthday and before we decided to start trying to have another baby. I had read all sorts of pregnancy and baby related literature before and after Connor was born: books, leaflets, pamphlets, newsletters, and websites. Somehow, I totally missed this entire subject.

I didn't miss anything about postpartum depression, though. In fact, we were looking out for signs that I was suffering from postpartum depression, because it was believed that I was at greater risk to develop it due to the fact that I had suffered from depression before, during college.

I was diagnosed and treated for depression sometime during my freshman year of college. I was spending a ton of time in bed, not bothering to get up for classes or work, and I just didn't care. There was no one that I really wanted to see and nothing that I really wanted to do. I had no energy or motivation and I basically laid in a dark room by myself for weeks on end. Finally, I realized that there was something wrong with me, and I went to my doctor and she prescribed Zoloft. The Zoloft worked for me, and I took it until sometime after I met Kevin, but I stopped taking it sometime before I graduated from college. Although I don't remember the exact dates, I was on Zoloft for probably 3 years.

I don't talk much about this area of my life. Kevin knew that I was taking Zoloft, and I think I probably told him a little bit about why I was on it. He didn't seem to judge me badly for it, though, which went a long way towards making me feel better. My mom, however, made several comments to me about "getting me off those nasty drugs" at the time, and though now I know she meant well and just wanted to take care of me, at the time I felt like she was judging me and that I had somehow failed. So I just didn't (and still don't) talk about it much.

So we were looking out for signs of postpartum depression after Connor was born.

Signs of postpartum depression include:

• Feeling restless or moody
• Feeling sad, hopeless, and overwhelmed
• Crying a lot
• Having no energy or motivation
• Eating too little or too much
• Sleeping too little or too much
• Having trouble focusing or making decisions
• Having memory problems
• Feeling worthless and guilty
• Losing interest or pleasure in activities you used to enjoy
• Withdrawing from friends and family
• Having headaches, aches and pains, or stomach problems that don’t go away

Since I wasn't having these symptoms, and I didn't feel the same way I did when I was depressed before, I figured that I must be normal.

Signs of postpartum psychosis include:

• Hallucinations
• Delusions
• Illogical thoughts
• Insomnia
• Refusing to eat
• Extreme feelings of anxiety and agitation
• Periods of delirium or mania
• Suicidal or homicidal thoughts

You can read more about postpartum psychosis here or here. Another common symptom of postpartum psychosis is that the suffering mother is often unaware that she is unwell. I was definitely unaware of my problem.

For some reason, I never thought that I might be sick, even though I was hallucinating and having suicidal thoughts.

About the suicidal thoughts: I knew that I had to kill myself, but I didn't know how to do it. I was really scared. I didn't want to kill myself, I only knew that I had to.

I remember one time I was sitting in our bedroom, and I had been thinking about the fact that I had to kill myself, and I realized that I really didn't want to, because of how much it would hurt Kevin and Connor. I was sitting on the floor, hugging Connor very tightly, sobbing. I kept telling him over and over again that I would never do anything to hurt him, meaning that I wouldn't hurt myself, because I didn't want him to grow up without a mommy. Kevin found us on the floor like that, both Connor and I sobbing, and he tried to take Connor away from me. I can only imagine what he was thinking. He heard me tell Connor that I would never hurt him. He told me that he knew I would never hurt Connor. I didn't want to tell him what I had really been thinking, because I was sure that if anyone had known that I was having suicidal thoughts, that they would take the baby away from me. I was scared of that, too.

Statistically, 5% of women with postpartum psychosis do kill themselves. 4% harm their babies. I had no idea at the time.

About the hallucinations: I was seeing dead babies everywhere. And not just babies, really. I was seeing my baby, Connor, dead. There are two instances that really stand out in my memory.

The first occurred while Kevin was pumping gas at the BP Station near our home. He was standing outside of the car, and I was sitting in the front passenger seat. Connor was in his car seat in the back. The next thing I knew, I was standing across the field, and the gas station had exploded. I was holding Connor in my arms, only he was black and charred and lifeless. Except in real life, I was still sitting in the passenger seat, sobbing and holding onto my own empty arms. Kevin got back in the car and found me like that. I can only imagine what he thought when I told him what I thought was happening.

One afternoon I was in Connor's room, rocking him to sleep while I was sitting on the twin bed. I was holding him in my arms, and I knew that he was dead. He was blue and he wasn't breathing. I cried so hard over his little dead body. I was grieving for him. Somehow I snapped out of it, and I realized that he was fine. I have no idea how long I was sitting there, thinking I was holding a dead baby instead of one that was perfectly fine and sleeping peacefully. I also cannot remember what made me realize that he was still alright, or what I did after wards.

My memory during this period is somewhat hazy. Except for the instances I described above, I cannot recall with clarity many other events. I also can't recall the time period that this was taking place. It was soon after Connor was born, and I think it must have been before I went back to work when he was 3 months old.

Although postpartum psychosis only affects about 1 mother for every 1,000 births, the possibility that a mother will suffer a repeat episode is 50% greater with the next pregnancy. That's why I'm writing about this now, and why I need to talk about this issue with my family and friends. Getting sick the first time doesn't mean that I am a bad mother, but knowing that I'm at risk to get sick again and not doing anything about it would make me a bad mother. Connor and this new baby deserve better than that.

So, after the baby is born, check up on me. Ask me if I am having suicidal thoughts or hallucinations. If I hesitate to answer, remind me that I'm not a bad mother and that no one will take my children away from me. If you think I need help, help me get it. Not just for my sake, but for Connor and Kevin and the new baby, too.