You may have noticed that we had two deaths in the family last month. Kevin and I decided to take Connor and Lex to both funerals, and I am glad that we did.
First, there was little question but that we would take Connor and Lex to Big Pa's funeral. Big Pa was their Great Grandfather, and he was a big part of their lives. They knew him and they loved him. We took the boys to see Big Pa before he died, and they sat on his bed and played and talked with him the day before he died. They knew that he was very sick. In fact, I had been dancing around the subject with Connor, telling him that we were going to visit Big Pa because he was very sick and it was time to say goodbye. Connor said to me, "I think it is time for Big Pa to die. He is going to die, right, Mommy?" Isn't it funny how kids know what is going on, but don't really have any qualms about telling it like it is? I was glad the he knew what was going on, because I was having trouble finding the words to tell him.
Kevin and I don't want to lie to our kids. After all, death is a natural part of life. Everyone and everything dies. And including the kids in the grieving process helps them process what is going on as well. Because they do realize that something is going on. Even Lex got to say goodbye to Big Pa in his own two year old way at the funeral, and I think that gave him a good sense of closure. (For Lex, this meant a kiss on the cheek and waving goodbye.)
As to the services, we told the boys that we expected them to sit still and quietly in the chairs with us, just like everyone else, so that we could hear the speakers talk. Connor did really well and sat through the entirety of Big Pa's funeral. Uncle Kerry's funeral was a bit lengthier, so he ended up getting up once or twice, but he always went back in to sit with Daddy, and was quiet the entire time. Lex, being a bit younger, didn't make it through either service. But, we simply told him to let us know when he was done, and we would take him out. He behaved really well both times.
When Uncle Kerry died, we were unsure if we wanted to take the boys to the funeral. First of all, it would mean a long flight down to Dallas. And, we had just taken the boys to Big Pa's funeral. In the end, we decided that the whole family should be together. And it turned out that we made the right decision. When we told Connor that Uncle Kerry had passed away, he seemed to be having trouble remembering exactly who Uncle Kerry was, even though he had played with Uncle Kerry at Lex's birthday party only a few months ago. This bothered Connor. Can you imagine? Knowing that someone in your family was dead but not being able to figure out exactly who it was? Even though we showed him pictures, it wasn't until we were at the visitation and he got to say goodbye to Uncle Kerry in person that he seemed okay with it. It was obvious to me that he needed to go see Uncle Kerry. Afterwards, he seemed much more relaxed and comfortable.
Which is what has lead me to this post. Seeing Connor make peace with Uncle Kerry's passing at his casket. I didn't know that a four year old would need that, but it was so. I wanted to let other parents know that they shouldn't write off taking small children to funerals just because they are young. Even though their experience with death is different because they are younger, giving them the opportunity to experience the funeral with the rest of the family is important.
3 comments:
I agree 100%. Obviously, people must make that judgment for their own children but I think on the whole, the funeral (or memorial or whatever) is such an important part of grieving and processing death. Just because they're young doesn't mean children don't need to go through those steps, too, or that they can't "handle" it.
Yes. This was exactly what I was trying to say. Thanks, Meg.
What you wrote is so true; just because they are children doesn't mean they don't grieve.
The last funeral home I dealt with actually encouraged bringing children. They said it is an important part in helping them learn how to appropiately deal with death and grief. I had never thought about it that way before. They also do a special service just for children where they read a book (one was "The Kissing Hand") and do a craft while talking about how they can still remember and care about the loved one even though they are gone.
Sometimes we underestimate their ability to understand and we do a great diservice to them. I hope this encourages other parents to consider how they handle similar situations.
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